1) Darling, I want to see the world!
I …........................... give you an atlas for your next birthday, then.
2) I …................................. buy one of those small Japanese radios.
But how will you understand what they are saying?
3) Waiter, there's only one piece of meat on my plate.
Just wait a minute, sir, and I ….......................... cut it in two.
4) A motorist ran over an old lady's cat and killed it.
I'm very sorry, said the motorist. I …................... replace your cat, of course.
Very well, but I hope you're good at catching mice.
5) What are you doing with that gun?
I …...................... shoot you.
Why? Because you look like me?
I look like you?
Yes.
Then shoot me!
6) How old are you now, Billy?
Seven.
And what . . . . you ….................... do when you are big like your mother?
Stop eating chocolate!
7) 'Mummy, mummy! Where are you?' cried a little boy at the beach.
'You poor boy,' said an old woman. 'Come with me and I …................... get you an ice cream and then we …...................... go and look for your mummy.'
'I know where your mother is,' said a small girl. 'She's sitting ...'
'Be quiet,' said the boy. 'I know as well, but this way I get a free ice-cream!'
8) I have some good news for you and some bad news.
Tell me the bad news first, doctor.
I …............ amputate your legs.
And what is the good news?
The man in the next bed wants to buy your shoes.
9) The British are planning to travel to the sun in a rocket next year, said a British scientist.
But, said an American scientist, as you get near the sun the heat will melt the rocket.
We are not stupid, said the British scientist. We …........................ travel at night.
10) A circus was visiting a small town in France. The lion tamer walked into a bar and asked:
Do you serve Americans in here?
Sure, said the barman.
Okay, I …......................... have a beer for myself, and two Americans for my lion outside!
Complete the jokes by putting these words or phrases in the gaps provided:
die Emergency Exit funeral long round sleep wet looks
1) Waiter, will my pizza be ….......................?
No, I expect it will be round as usual.
2) Tomorrow my name will be up in lights in every cinema in the country.
How are you going to do that?
Easy. I'm changing my name to ….....................................
3) Two fish are swimming together in a river.
Look, said the first one. It's starting to rain.
Quick. Let's swim under the bridge, said the second fish, or we'll get …....................
4) Do you think I'll lose my ….................... as I get older?
If you're lucky!
5) The world will never come to an end.
Why?
Because it is …........................, stupid!
6) I think I'm going to lose my job in the flower shop tomorrow.
What for?
I sent flowers to a …..................... with the wrong card on them.
What did the card say?
HOPE YOU'LL BE HAPPY IN YOUR NEW HOME.
7) I know what you're going to do tonight.
All right then. What am I going to do?
You're going to ….........................., of course!
8) Doctor, help me. My heart is beating very quickly and I feel terrible. I think I'm going to …......
Nonsense. That's the last thing you'll do.
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